


man-made jungles

by shell-heads (chocopies)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Steve's Sadness Beard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 15:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14814440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocopies/pseuds/shell-heads
Summary: He forgets to eat and shower, barely drinks, hardly even sleeps-he sits there, day and night, staring at a silent flip phone that never, ever rings, no matter how much Steve begs it to in his darkest hours, sobbing and shaking and stained in his own tears.It takes an entire week to realize that Tony might have opened the package but never kept it, and it's a thought that haunts him; Tony, on the other side of the planet, angry and hurting and tired of Steve so much so that he'll never talk to him again, never slip him that smile that used to make even the worst days bearable, never look at Steve and have that same trust and affection he took for granted, never keep Steve company on hard nights or watch his back in a battle and tease him over the comms.That he might cut Steve out and never let him back in.Funny, the things that terrify him in the 21st century.





	man-made jungles

**Author's Note:**

> a fill for my mcu stony bingo card "steve rogers' sadness beard" and totally unnecessary considering we're drowning in angst already but who cares!!!!!

He can feel it growing, a vague itch on his lower face as his five o'clock shadow grows out and thickens into a wild tangle of dark hairs, yet another thing that wouldn't have been possible without the serum that he doesn't have the energy to confront anymore. He leaves Bucky in Wakanda and tells Sam he has to run a solo mission to get his bearings again, a stale lie that sits on his tongue like a brick while the others give him space, no doubt still reeling themselves from their recent battle and leaving everything they know behind.

He sees now that he didn't realize what the consequences of his actions would truly amount to, and at some point Steve stops thinking about all he's lost and goes numb from the inside out, staring at stained wallpapers in crappy motels in places he's never been to before, alone and sinking into the unbearable sorrows rushing all around him. He forgets to eat and shower, barely drinks, hardly even sleeps-he sits there, day and night, staring at a silent flip phone that never, ever rings, no matter how much Steve begs it to in his darkest hours, sobbing and shaking and stained in his own tears.

It takes an entire week to realize that Tony might have opened the package but never kept it, and it's a thought that haunts him; Tony, on the other side of the planet, angry and hurting and tired of Steve so much so that he'll never talk to him again, never slip him that smile that used to make even the worst days bearable, never look at Steve and have that same trust and affection he took for granted, never keep Steve company on hard nights or watch his back in a battle and tease him over the comms.

That he might cut Steve out and never let him back in.

He sends messages, because he has to, he can't leave this be anymore, he can't, but Tony never responds, and Steve is left scrambling in a black void of heartnumbing despair without anyone to support him, Natasha in the wind and Sam struggling to help Clint, Wanda, and Scott all at once while they dodge authorities.

He collapses into his rickety motel bed and lets fatigue wash over him, dreams coming to him in broken, glittering pieces-the press of Tony's smile against his, Bucky's laugh over a crackling fire, his ma's favorite song playing on Mrs. Haversham's radio, the give of red dyed titanium-steel alloy under his unforgiving swing, the haunted look in brown eyes as a son watches his mother get murdered in front of him, the smell of rich cologne against hot skin-and sleeps for an entire day for the first time since the ice. When he wakes up, chest throbbing and acid burning at the back of his throat, Steve just barely makes it to the bathroom in time to throw up the meager contents of his stomach. Standing up with weak legs, he looks at himself in the mirror and finds he can't recognize the man looking back at him in the glass, eyes sunken and heavy with bags, skin sallow and face covered in a savage mess that looks as terrible as he feels.

He stares into the hollow eyes of the man in the mirror and falls back into his bed to catch another glimpse of Tony, however bittersweet it may be. Anything, he's coming to learn, is better than nothing at all.

After three weeks of constant sleep and the bare minimum self-care, Steve finds himself blinking slowly at a message from Sam on the team phone, a black-screened video attachment followed by the words, "Figured you needed this."

Wondering if it's worth mustering the energy to watch detachedly, Steve hits play out of consideration for the effort Sam's clearly putting into helping Steve even now.

"His attempts at earning a deal for Mr. Lang are going very well, though Mr. Barton's case is...not quite as simple," a very familiar voice says, Steve's mind snapping into clarity in a sudden jolt as he waits with anticipated breath for the rest of the clip to come in, knowing without a doubt that Vision is talking about Tony.

God, how did Sam manage to reach Vision? Did they leave a comm line open somewhere he doesn't know about? Did Tony get home okay after their fight in Siberia? Has he said anything about Steve at all since he left?

"Scott'll be over the moon," Sam's voice filters through the phone speakers, the sound of something creaking echoing faintly in the background. "Any trouble on the other fronts?"

"None that I know of," Visions states simply, a faint tap of metal against something-the Stone, Steve assumes-and a tiny laugh from Wanda.

"And you know almost everything," she finishes for him, a terrible reminder of what he and Tony used to be before this whole mess that makes an irrational desire to crush the phone unfurl within him like a poisonous viper, rising in a hot cloud of blinding anger.

"I came to deliver the news of Mr. Rhodes' condition and the political situation regarding Mr. Lang and Mr. Barton to your company, but it seems Captain Rogers is not among you," Vision pauses, clearly observing the expressions on their faces even though Steve only has an audio feed. "Ah. I see. I was hoping to certify his health before returning, in case Mr. Stark ever asked."

"Right, because that's gonna happen," Sam scoffs, Steve feeling a sour smile pull at the corners of his chapped lips at the complete faith Sam has in Tony abandoning Steve.

"If Mr. Stark truly didn't care," Vision says simply, "he would never have asked King T'Challa to propose a bargain plea for Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes."

Pin-drop silence, quickly drowned out by the rabbiting pulse shrieking in Steve's ears, his heart beating so loudly he can hardly hear his own thoughts in the empty room.

Tony...Tony'd asked that? Asked T'Challa to get him a deal so he could-could come home? And Bucky too, he'd asked for Bucky, of all the people who could possibly be pardoned, Bucky, which means that maybe Tony-

Steve misses what they say next in this maelstrom of thought, but he manages to pull himself back together in time to catch the last few seconds of the video.

"Mr. Stark in fact believes the opposite; to paraphrase his very indelicate and choice words, the Captain-despite their recent altercations-is an irreplaceable figure as not only an Avenger, but as a hero."

Feeling a wet tickle on his cheek while he moves shaking hands to rewind, Steve loses track of how many times he listens to Vision's smooth voice, the words echoing inside his head and vibrating off his tender walls, filling him from the inside out with the sound of something he'd only just realized could be lost forever to him.

Tony thought...he'd said that Steve is irreplaceable, which means that there's still a chance-not now, not for a while, and most likely not in the way Steve wants, but someday-a chance for him to be able to get Tony back, in whatever shape or form he gets to have again after all that time passes.

Now it's just a waiting game, Steve realizes, looking to the burner phone laying on the shabby table beside the bed and feeling something lost to him for so long that it nearly bowls him over at its heady rush through his veins.

Hope, Steve thinks, blinking away more tears as they continue to fall endlessly. Hope, so sweet and light and dangerous even still because of all that it makes him want again.

Finally taking in the room around him properly, Steve remembers his promise to Tony in the letter, a desperate grab for Tony's attention so he would know, know that Steve still thinks of him and has his back, all of this fighting damned.

_If you need me, I'll be there._

_Mr. Stark in fact believes the opposite; to paraphrase his very indelicate and choice words, the Captain-despite their recent altercations-is an irreplaceable figure as not only an Avenger, but as a hero._

"Come on, Rogers," Steve tells himself thickly, voice hoarse from disuse and unnervingly loud in the silence he'd surrounded himself in, "time to pull yourself together."

And the first step-that, he knows immediately. Standing up on weak knees and making his way to the bathroom, he observes the thicket of hair growing along the bottom of his face and runs pale fingers through it, grabbing ahold with determination before reaching for the shaving kit he discarded all those weeks ago and unlocking the latch.

Not the whole thing, Steve decides, pulling a razor out and turning it on, just...the feral parts. He can't go back to the fresh-faced, hairless look he had before, and the longer he stares at the mass of hair on himself the more right it looks on him after everything's that happened. For once, most of Steve's face is hidden without the use of a mask or precise self-control, and it's freeing in a way he can't explain to not have to out effort into hiding his feelings; he is sad, and hurting, and more than a little broken, but as he shaves the beard down to a clean line and brushes off the loose hairs, he can look in the mirror and not have to face the devastating sorrow that would write itself across his bare skin.

He is sad, and hurting, and more than a little broken, but at least this way no one will know how much.

He wonders what Tony would think of the beard.

**Author's Note:**

> leave me comments or constructive criticism down below,,,, and feel to come yell at me on tumblr @shell-heads!!!


End file.
